Posted by: zephirum | October 5, 2011

all the better / none the wiser

Dear Diary,

I don’t think I should see you any more. I’m convinced that what I write will always sound stupid to my future self. This form of time travel (via nostalgia)  just doesn’t seem very profitable for both of us, perhaps that’s why no one else seems to care much about the past.

Posted by: zephirum | April 4, 2011

Why bother?

I’m not angry,

I’m just tired.

I tried to raise my voice,

but my voice was never heard.

If fighting only leads to silence, then why fight at all?

Posted by: zephirum | March 8, 2011

ELIZA

I did not realise, but it turns out at times I like to friends in a way that resembles Rogerian psychotherapy. I like to talk out loud and with the help of my friends providing perspectives, help me sort through issues or problems that have been bothering me.  The following is a transcript of my conversation with the ELIZA bot.

>> Hello.

How do you do.  Please state your problem.

>> I don’t know how to feel.

Don’t you really know what to feel  ?

>> I don’t know how to feel correctly.

Why don’t you know what to feel correctly  ?

>> Perhaps because I want to be like others, and don’t want to be alone.

In what way ?

>> I want things to be simple and just want to be happy.

What would it mean to you if you got things to be simple and just want to be happy  ?

>> I don’t know, there are two possibilities. One would be that I would find myself, the other would be that I would become unsatisfied.

Do you wish to be able to know  ?

>> Yes

You seem to be quite positive.

>> Indeed, truth shall see us free.

 

In some ways, I have found it vastly beneficial, in other ways,  it’s a startling realisation that I’ve been “using” my friends (and helping friends in similar fashion, albeit I’m much too opinionated to be non-directive and person-centred, something I should try better I think). So how should I reconcile these realisations? Well, truth shall set us free. I should establish a communication with people knowing that such process is taking place, it is therapeutic, but it is also a task the other side may not enjoy (much like a back rub!). When I understand myself better, hopefully I can control what I do.

Posted by: zephirum | March 2, 2011

I’m on a roll

Hearing Radiohead – Luck in my head.

In a contemplative again, but I think I’ve found something good to focus on this time:
Omar Khayyam’s Rubaiyat. In some way the poetry resembles classical Chinese poets, existential, focusing on the essense and transience of human conditions. Not escapist but simply providing a chilling yet liberating perspective. Oh, being against materialism and religious dogma also helps. So much to think about, it puts my worry earlier today into perspective.  Can’t say its a completely healthy balance yet, but hopefully I will get there.

Posted by: zephirum | March 2, 2011

Greetings and farewells

Listening to: Queens of the Stone Age – You Can’t Quit Me, Baby

I’ve been thinking creative and nonconfrontational ways in expressing well wishes that are meaningful and reflects my personal philosophy.

Inshalla /God bless – are far too religious and I feel it undermines the sprite of self-determination.

Peace – is more acceptable but it harks back a bygone era of optimism now with mostly a caricature left.

Take care – just simple and Stoic enough for my liking. That being said, I want to inject some new energy in a tired routine.

The search continues…
What are your thoughts on this?

Posted by: zephirum | February 8, 2011

Prayer

I pray that as I grow older, I will gain perspective and humility, I pray that I shall maintain the passion and idealism of youth without falling to complacency or cynicism, yet I also pray that I will learn the virtue of moderation and restraint. In short, I pray that I be true to the truth, without resorting to ignorance or inaction.

I will gather strength from those who I hold dear, as well as from within. To strive for what I hold true, for this limited time here on Earth, not for a divine being or a promised afterlife , but the process itself shall be my purpose of existence.

Posted by: zephirum | January 30, 2011

Speight’s

Itsy-bitsy… woo a big cockroach just wondered past.

It’s a blessing to have things to worry about, even though some of the anxiety may be linked to existential crisis. We may get hurt, but at least we will die knowing that we lived.

On that comforting thought, sleep time it is.

Posted by: zephirum | December 20, 2010

a breadcrumb

Listening to: The Phoenix Foundation – Pure Joy

I had less than 4 hours of sleep, it’s all doom and gloom right now, and can’t separate between feeling like shit internally and feeling like shit externally. Mayday. Hopefully my harm reduction went through OK.

On a second thought, I need to stop this blog to become just for complaining.

Time to try something new and scary:

Posted by: zephirum | December 9, 2010

and I wonder

Listening to: Foo Fighters – Everlong

Hopefully this entry won’t be discovered anytime soon. If I am to be proven wrong, I’m terribly sorry. I can’t seem to think straight, so I have reverted back to one of my best thinking tools when I don’t have friends around to talk it through.

Firstly, I wonder if I was the one being passive and hostile? Perhaps I’ve lost my way in having a normal conversation? These are questions that I will have to observe and assess carefully in the near future.

Secondly, who should I blame when I felt my feelings was mocked but when it’s unintentional? I think I will be alright and gain some perspective and realise I’m angry at no one except myself, but I’m a bit tired of blaming myself. I can use a break from self criticism, especially I’ve done that quite a lot with work already. So I think the wise thing would be working that stress and hurt feelings out in a mature and sensible manner. It’s been a while since I rock climbed or catching up with Gabriel.

Lessons to self:

  1. Understand that others may not be on the same wavelength as you do, especially when they are more tired and stressed than you are.
  2. Bewary of the situation in reverse, and hopefully we’ll save time writing up horrible self-help blog entries.
Posted by: zephirum | November 25, 2010

To a renewed commitment

Well hello again. It’s been many months, many things have remained the same, while some has changed considerably. Due to certain circumstances (yes, that’s you Mariam), I’m in a much better position for introspection. I will try and retell the my tales of these few months/years along with my thoughts in no particular order.

Also, I’d like to say that: I love you dearly.

 

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